Snow White and the seventy-two dwarves

“Everybody knows” that male suicide bombers ascend to heaven to enjoy the charms of 72 virgins. This raises a number of theological questions – are these virgins real, albeit deceased, women? Is this reward for a life of virtue, or punishment for a life of vice? What do their mothers think? What do their suicide bombers’ mothers think? What other religion conceives heaven as a bawdy house? - but none so pressing as: What do women suicide bombers get out of the deal?

As Archbishop Cranmer puts it: “But what do female suicide bombers hope for?...[is it] an eternity of lesbian bonding”? Indeed not: there is no eternity of Sapphic abandon in the Heavenly Fleshpots. Not for these girls. Instead, women suicide bombers get…

“…served by dwarves”

Speaking to an Arab affairs expert on the reports that Islamic Jihad is threatening to send scores of women suicide bombers to blow themselves up near IDF troops if Israel starts an operation on the ground in Gaza, she enquired what awaited such women in heaven, the equivalent of the notorious 72 virgins ready to serve the male shahids. The answer: dwarves who will serve them. Even in jihadi heaven the women are discriminated against, it seems.

Oh dear, I now have even more questions. Are these real dwarves? What do their mothers think?What does “served” mean? Is it a euphemism, or is it light house work? Orgies of depraved carnality, or a cup of hot cocoa and bedtime stories? Bedtime stories, or “bedtime stories”? Is it wrong that the words “served by dwarves” keeping repeating in my head in the voice of Mr. Humphries?

[Story from an interview on IDF radio, quoted in the JPost]